junkpunks:

I was sitting in the dark the first time I heard this song, which is funny because I’m horrified of the dark. Being in the dark by myself gives me panic attacks, but at the time, I welcomed them. It was another weird way of punishing myself. I’d be the victim of yet another violent personal assault. It was the 4th time. I found myself in yet another “facility”. “We can help you,” they said, that’s what they always said, but at that point, I didn’t want to be helped. They didn’t seem to understand that, I wasn’t doing what I was doing, destroying myself and slowly cutting my ties to humanity with drugs and alcohol and blood and bruises and burns because I was “crying for help”. I just wanted to feel the way I thought the world wanted me to feel, the way I felt the world treated me. Like nothing. Not human but….Something worse, not worthy of things like sympathy or happiness. I wanted to feel dead but I didn’t actually want to be dead. I know that sounds weird but, at the time, to me, death was a blessing. A way out. If I was dead it would all be over. There wouldn’t be anything to feel or fear. I didn’t want release, at least, not in that way, I wanted to suffer and destroy myself. I wanted to be untouchable. If I hurt myself enough than no one else would ever be able to hurt me. In my head being beneath everyone actually put me above in some sick way.

I was doing everything I could not to really feel. Not to be human. I hadn’t even cried in so long. I didn’t feel sorry for myself at all, just angry, what was crying going to help? But then I heard this album….This song in particular. It was so unusual to me, almost foreign to be hearing music because I had completely stopped listening to any for months. I purposely deprived myself of so many things. I can’t even remember how or why I was compelled to listen to this album that night. All I know is that, when I did I was forced to feel things again. It was like being taken for a ride. An entire life that I’m not sure was even mine played out in my head and it was confusing….So confusing. And frustrating. I didn’t want to be going through this crashing rush of emotions and feelings and thoughts, but those words paired with those melodies….There was nothing I could do really.

This song is the first time I had cried for so long. To cry….It physically hurt, far worse than anything I had ever done to myself. It was like dispelling demons and they were holding on from the inside as tight as they could but by the time it was over they were barely hanging, and for the first time in a long time I didn’t want to keep them. I felt like I didn’t need them to protect me anymore.

Of course, my struggles didn’t magically end upon hearing this album. I still battle my own demons and I’m trapped inside my head every day of my life. But I think, the point is, it’s more than coincidence when something is made at the right time in the right moment and you find it just when you need it and it lays an outline for you. It opens a path that you might not have been able to find other wise. Sometimes music isn’t just music, it’s an experience. And sometimes a band isn’t just a band. Divine intervention. Sometimes people are put here for certain reasons. Their impact is undeniable, and although I view them as just ordinary men, not people to be worshiped like gods or put upon with the title of “saviors,” it is my firm belief in my own experience, and hearing and seeing the experiences of others, that their artistry is a gift. It’s a gift that this particular group of men came together to create this particular band and write the particular music that they did. To share their own experiences and for the whole world to watch them dispel their own demons. They are just people too, but I think….That’s what makes it so great. At least for me, it’s important to relate on a human level. When I was trying so so hard to do the exact opposite, this album was there to remind me, to let me know, that’s not what I’m here for. I’m not here to live life as a ghost.

And even though things will never perfect, there will always be pain and fear and disappointment and the unexpected things you’d rather not face….It’s just life. Everyone goes through it. In the end, what matters is how you choose to live it. Do you want to die and lived through all of this not having accomplished anything? Or are you going to live and fight and in the end, at the very least say that you did your best and the worst never got the best of you?

(Source: junkpunks-archive)

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    I’m sorry all those words must have given you such a headache. Being stupid isn’t easy, I’m sure.

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    This is tumblr, not essay central.

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